Welcome, amber. Hello, hello, hello. How are you? I am so great and I’m loving this four part series you’re doing. It has been like already life changing for me. So thank you for doing that with us.Amber: 0:15
Oh, thank you, And you’re so sweet to say that. I appreciate that.
I want to jump into the questions because I really want to get as many questions to you as possible in each episode, So let’s just get right in it. The first thing I want to ask you is is there a difference between confidence and self-confidence?
Yes, absolutely, and I know that I might even talk about just oh, i want to have confidence. But if we really want to dive deep into that, confidence is different than self-confidence. And let me tell you why. Confidence is more based on our ability to do something, and it usually grows the more skilled that we become with it. So, Janet, if I were to say, hey, janet, get up and walk across the room and come back, i mean you’re probably going to feel quite confident that you can do that. And even if you trip, your confidence probably won’t wane in just walking. Just because you’ve done it so many times, you’ve proven to yourself that you can do that. So I mean you take that task. You take any other task, like riding a bike or playing the piano. If you’ve done that a lot and practiced that a lot, the more practiced and the more skilled you’ve become at that, the more confident you will be in doing that, without questioning yourself that you will be successful at it. Now self-confidence is different. It’s actually your ability to have your own back, regardless of what the outcome is, and so you are able to embrace all of the parts of you, all of your messy parts along with all of your amazing parts. I say that I am 50% a mess and 50% amazing because I realize that I am not perfect And at one point I would have proven you wrong. I would have spent so many hours trying to convince you that I was perfect. But I know that I am 50-50 and we all are. So when you lack confidence in riding a bike, then usually that is just because you haven’t done it enough. But if you are self-confident and know that, okay, i have not ridden this bike but I will fall and I am still going to believe in myself that I can do this and I am still going to get up and try again, you still have self-confidence, even if you’re not confident in doing that. Does that make sense?
Totally makes sense. Let me ask you this So how do we even know if we’re lacking in self-confidence?
Oh, such a good question. I love that. So self-confidence comes from your ability to trust yourself. So one big sign that you might be lacking self-confidence is if you have a hard time making decisions. You always look to others to get your answers And you may be lacking self-confidence if that’s the case. If you have a hard time making decisions, if you’re a perfectionist, like I was, or if you put yourself down a lot. All of these things means that you are not accepting your messy side, and that is a big part of being self-confident.
I gotta tell you most people love me for my messy side. Seriously they do. The perfection sort of side that comes out of somewhere else is annoying to them. They like the messy part of me.
So, honestly, if we are being honest with ourselves, who really likes somebody who’s perfect?
Amber, let me ask you this If we’re asking others, like our family, friends, husband or advice, does that mean we’re lacking in self-confidence?
Now, advice is different than validation. I am all for getting advice from friends and family. I think having more than one perspective can be very useful. But where we get tripped up is if our value in their opinion is way more than how we value our own opinion, because then you’re saying that you can’t trust yourself to know what is best for you. And we can’t have that, can we? It can also cause a problem. if you take action from their opinions and then it backfires. Then you might get caught in that trap of blaming them and you put yourself in this victim mentality because you think that you had no control over what actually happened.
So it’s kind of like, for an example, i buy a new dress, i get all dressed up and dolled up and I’m loving it. I’m turning around in it and I walk down and say to my husband hey, do you like my new dress? And he says I really don’t like that color on you. And now all of a sudden I don’t like my dress, i’m uncomfortable, i’m not going to wear it, but I was just loving it a minute ago. So is that kind of funny?
Yes, because it’s supposed to happen Right. It’s like wait a second, okay. Well, i appreciate how you feel, but, just like as I was saying in the last session, in part two, what matters is what you think about yourself. Am I going to have my own back about that? Because what I think about myself and how I feel, how I look in it, i’m going to show up way differently. I’m going to be wearing way too much about what other people think versus. Hey, i think I look smokin’ hot and that’s what I’m going with.
I wore the dress because I’m a torsibull and I was going to wear it, whether I liked it or not, because I already had it on. So I wore it. But you’re right, the whole time I was thinking, oh my gosh, is people looking at this? doesn’t make me look washed out. So, yeah, it took away my happy space and that was on me, not on him. So I want to talk about what you actually mean when you talk about validation.
So when we don’t trust ourselves, we often go to other people for validation, if we’re okay, don’t we? So Before I understood this concept, i’d always do things and then look to other people on if what I did was a good thing, instead of me just believing it myself and just being okay with that myself. I always needed someone else to agree for me to be able to believe it myself. And isn’t that funny how sometimes, even when somebody says it, if we don’t believe it ourselves, we don’t believe them anyways. So okay, and here’s just one small example. Let me just tell you So, and maybe some of you can relate to this When I dye my hair and you know I can remember, gosh, this had to have been at least 10 or 15 years ago I would go to dye my hair, or I’d get it cut, or I’d make some kind of change, and then I would just wait for my husband to say something about it, and I wouldn’t ask him, i wouldn’t mention it, i would just wait until he noticed. And sometimes you know what? I do the same thing. but he gets really busy at work and he just doesn’t always notice things because his mind is on other things. And so if I changed my hair color and it took like a week for him to say something. I take that to mean that he really didn’t like it, but he really didn’t even notice it. or I would get mad at him or for something else, just not noticing it before. Or if, like somebody else noticed it before him, then I’d be like super mad. My deeper issue was that I didn’t have my own back. I wasn’t okay with myself, and so if my husband didn’t respond the way that I wanted him to, then I made it mean that I really shouldn’t be okay with myself either. It was like the proof that I used against myself that I wasn’t enough. That’s how we tie all of our own personal worth into someone else’s opinion, instead of just working on our own opinions about ourselves.
Well, that brings me right into the next question I wanted to talk to you about. Can you give us a secret or a tip or two on how we actually do work on our opinions about ourselves?
Yes, totally. I love that You have such brilliant questions. Okay, Number one thing we validate ourselves. So when I dye or cut my hair or make any change to my appearance, I decided for myself first if I like it, I do not wait for someone else to do it for me. And if I make a change and I decide I don’t like it, then I just I realized that it doesn’t mean anything about who I am as a person. Part of self-confidence is knowing that you are amazing, beautiful individuals and you do not need anyone to agree with you for you to believe it.
I love that answer, by the way, thank you. I want to ask you one final question in this episode, but do people sometimes confuse self-confidence with being?
stuck up, Oh my gosh. Yes, And I can understand, because it’s kind of tricky. But the funny thing is is when someone truly believes that they are amazing, they treat other people amazing too. People who believe in themselves feel good about themselves. Have you ever heard the term hurt people? Hurt people When people don’t feel good about themselves, when they are insecure. That’s when they overcompensate and they try to hurt others because they think it’ll make them feel less hurt, at least bring them down to their level of hurting right. And so they overcompensate and they come off as someone who is stuck up or condescending, and we’ve become so unaware of what’s going on for us inside that sometimes we don’t know that we are hurting. So if you’re looking at someone else thinking, oh, she thinks she is all of that, then I invite you to reach out deep inside yourself and ask yourself what am I making that mean about me? For some reason, you are making how they act mean something about yourself and it bother you that much. The other part of self confidence is just being okay with your messy parts. Just because you are amazing doesn’t mean that you are perfect. It means you know that you have infinite worth and nothing you can do or say, can touch that worth. Your failures aren’t connected to your worth as a human. I am amazing and you are amazing. We are all amazing and we are all messy messy humans, and that’s okay. So if you see someone who is being stuck up, either you are making that mean something about yourself and they are really not stuck up or they are believing in themselves that they are just amazing people and they are treating you amazing.
I love that. you guys You have been listening to the secret to falling in love with Amber Wynn. She has been doing part three, which is self confidence. If you have not listened to part one and two, go back. It is full of goodness just like this. The first one is what does belonging mean? Part two is body acceptance and the next part, part four, is all going to be on self care, wrapping this puppy up. So go back and listen to the other two episodes if you haven’t. but Amber always shows up and she shows up big for the people that are listening to the podcast, and she’s brought a beautiful free offer and I wanted to tell you all about it.
Thank you so much for allowing me that opportunity. I am offering a free webinar now. Do you want to meet me? Good, because I want to meet you, amazing people. I want to show you how you have an opportunity to create deeper belonging for yourself, how to embrace your authenticity and how to cultivate more self compassion for yourself. So please come to my free webinar and I actually have some other free goodies inside there as well, so don’t miss out.
I love that. And when she says that she is showing up that is not pre-recorded, she’s there personally giving you all the goodness. So we’re going to put all those links inside. You guys. Stay tuned for part four, where we talk about self care and wrapping this all up. If you haven’t already, go back and listen to the other two episodes before. What does belonging mean? and body acceptance. Thank you, amber. Thank you.
If you’re looking for a life coach, I’d love to be yours. If you want to lose weight, better your relationships, or need help with crafting your confidence, I’ve got you! go to myinnerlove.com and sign up for a free mini-session today.